Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
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