Kiss
Puke
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She told me I should be a condom model.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We're too hungover to prance.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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