i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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