Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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