Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
