So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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