my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
