I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
