Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
