Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
