Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
