I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
