i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
