Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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