I am puke
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
