So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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