I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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