I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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