Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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