I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize