i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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