Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
