why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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