It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
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if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
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Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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