then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
