I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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