I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
