i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
