hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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