I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
