My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
