Define "chronic" masturbator.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
