do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
