I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
