Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
