I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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