Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
