I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
