I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
