I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
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She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
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How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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