It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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