he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
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