i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
