I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
