there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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