At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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