drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
