I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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