I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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