There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
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