my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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