so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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