So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
