my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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