Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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