I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
