Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
