There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
