Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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